From the 2003 Archives — "Everything I Needed to Know About Life I Learned From Hentai"

Fate/stay night Rin and SaberI don’t like hentai stuff as it is just not my thing. That said, I am versed enough in anime, manga, and Japanese culture to know way more about the subject that I should. Living in Japan for two years where there seemed to be porn of some kind on (both anime and Japanese live-action) in one of the day rooms nearly every weekend (at night at least) added to my “education” if you will. *shudder* There are some things that I’ll absolutely never understand as a fetish, but I for sure learned that if there is a fantasy out there, the Japanese have either filmed it, animated it, or drawn it in a hentai manga or hentai doujinshi.

Back in 2003, I saw this posting on a newsgroup from a person named “Major” and despite the topic, it made me laugh out loud. I saved it and I forgot about it until the other day when I remembered it while writing my train groping article. After some thought, I decided to share this with you all because it is funny.

And no, these are not my opinions except for this one — “If it disgusts you, rest assured that someone, somewhere is getting off on it.” Ain’t that the truth. ­čśë

Everything I Needed to Know About Life I Learned From Hentai
  1. If she blushes, she wants it.
  2. “No” means “Yes.”
  3. “Yes” means “F— me right here, right now!”
  4. “F— me right here, right now!” means it’s a dream sequence.
  5. “Not yet” means “Wait until the next scene.”
  6. Legal age in Japan is three.
  7. No matter how hot a girl is, she’s always hotter if she grows a dick.
  8. All sex is good sex.
  9. It isn’t great sex unless it’s rape.
  10. It isn’t great rape unless it involves tentacles.
  11. A powerful piece of futuristic battle armor that is armed to the teeth and protects its (always female) wearer from the rigors of space travel, spine-shattering impacts and laser blasts is no match for a determined set of hands and/or a set of tentacles.
  12. Never underestimate the power of lust.
  13. The best place to get laid is on a train.
  14. The next best place to get laid is at a high school, usually the roof.
  15. All demons want sex. Everything else is secondary.
  16. Blackmail is foreplay.
  17. The male penis is at least a foot long, two-three inches thick and always curves up. It is almost always invisible, glowing, or otherwise distorted from view.
  18. The female penis follows these same rules but usually isn’t as long.
  19. The hero sometimes gets the girl.
  20. The heroine almost always gets the girl.
  21. The heroine rarely gets the guy (usually because she’s getting the girl).
  22. The hero will never show up until after the girl has gotten raped.
  23. The heroine is usually busy getting raped but don’t worry, she’s about to free herself.
  24. Any being with the power to prevent a rape from occurring will not do so.
  25. The penis is the world’s most effective gag and is completely safe from harm since the woman never, ever bites.
  26. A good-looking guy will usually score with a nice looking girl.
  27. A good-looking girl will always score with someone (male, female, attractive, ugly, sober, drunk, etc.).
  28. A guy who can suddenly turn into a girl will inevitably get lots of sex, mostly girls but some guys, too.
  29. A girl who suddenly grows a penis will become deluged with dozens of female admirers who will all want to score with her.
  30. A girly-looking guy who dresses in girls’ clothing will never be laughed at or ostracized by his peers. Instead, he will get more sex than he could ever want from just about every woman he meets. Double this amount if he’s still in high school.
  31. Anything can be used as a sexual implement.
  32. If it disgusts you, rest assured that someone, somewhere is getting off on it.
  33. Lesbians are hot.
  34. Cat-girls are hot.
  35. Miko are hot.
  36. Maids are hot.
  37. Nuns are hot.
  38. Schoolgirls are hot.
  39. Teachers are hot.
  40. Nurses are hot.
  41. Senshi are hot.
  42. Futanari are hot.
  43. Prostitutes are rare. After all, why pay when you can take? (Editor’s note: with the modern JK x Ojisan fetish, this one isn’t so rare any more.)
  44. The school janitor is not your friend.
  45. The principal is not your friend.
  46. The male coach is not your friend.
  47. The school nurse is usually your friend.
  48. The vice-principal is probably evil.
  49. The scruffy-looking guy in the white lab coat is never your friend.
  50. If it’s an all-girl’s school, forget it. Everyone is either evil, possessed or about to be. And the innocent ones won’t stay that way for long.
  51. Sex with your mom is acceptable.
  52. Sex with your sister is acceptable (and expected if you’re a guy that can turn into a girl).
  53. Sex with your brother is probably mandatory at least once in the story, if you’re female.
  54. Sex with your father is just plain icky, most of the time.
  55. Sex with the family dog… Don’t be too surprised.
  56. Bigger breasts are better breasts.
  57. If at first you don’t succeed, try chloroform.
  58. Even plants need luvin’.
  59. Sex is very wet and very messy.
  60. All women spurt.
  61. All men can perform multiple times in rapid succession without rest.
  62. There are no STDs or pregnancy (the story just doesn’t last that long).
  63. A happily married woman will wind up having sex with just about everyone but her husband.
  64. A happily married husband is either not at home or about to die.
  65. Any happily married woman or girl in a serious, romantic relationship who is raped will always have the best orgasm of their life. See rule #9.
  66. Any raped female will consider the rape incident to be one where they in fact cheated on their husband/boyfriend because of the orgasm they just experienced.
  67. Any genre is a good genre for sex.
  68. Any setting is a good setting for sex.
  69. Being a shy bookworm will get you laid.
  70. Being an outrageous party animal will get you laid.
  71. Hell, just being female will get you laid (as long as you’re pretty).
  72. Ugly chicks are as rare as prostitutes. Maybe there’s a correlation?

Update: Thanks to Peter for #65 & #66.┬á They weren’t in the original post from 2003, but it fits, as noted by an anonymous poster in the comments section.┬á ^_^;

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13 Responses to “From the 2003 Archives — "Everything I Needed to Know About Life I Learned From Hentai"”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Sad, but true. lol

  2. O-chan says:

    i’m offended and disgusted…yet I can’t look away.


  3. Anonymous says:

    “Legal age in Japan is three.”

    ROFL! I shouldn’t laugh but that makes me laugh so much. Bad, evil, naughty ANB! ­čśë

  4. AstroNerdBoy says:

    Yeah, this was pretty bad for me. ^_^;;; I debated not posting it, but in the end the side of me that giggled like crazy won over. ^_^;;;;

  5. Anonymous says:

    Its really bad when i can’t stop laughing… Because those who laugh know its true…

    Does Laughing make me a bad person,
    Yes, yes it does..

  6. Arnel says:

    You know alot about this which is kind of disturbing, but thanks for the information anyway. Hey if being a shy bookworm means you’re going to get laid does that apply to Nodaka Miyazaki from Negima as well.

  7. AstroNerdBoy says:

    It is disturbing which is why I feel bad about laughing and yet this is how hentai works in Japan. ^_^;;;

    As to Nodoka, considering the astonishing amount of hentai doujinshi out there for “Negima!,” then I’d have to say that she most certainly scores with “Negi-sensei” and who knows who or what else. *_*

  8. maniakmgb says:

    lol…incredibly funny..graet job =))

  9. Renzo says:

    i salute you. =))

  10. Anonymous says:

    Here’s two for the list.

    “All sex makes a woman orgasm, especially rape.”

    “A woman being raped will consider herself cheating on her husband/boyfriend once she has her orgasm.”

  11. AstroNerdBoy says:

    Yeah, that’s true too. ^_^;;;

  12. […] these types of images go much further than groping — women are usually raped (or worse), but as the saying goes when it comes to the Japanese and sex, “It isn’t great sex unless it is rape.” […]

  13. […] but that’s part of the glorious world of hentai logic. If your are bored, you can read the 2009 piece I rescued from the old Usenet. […]

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